


Nicolas Cage In Clingfilm

by chelonianmobile



Category: Homestuck, Roy Orbison in Clingfilm
Genre: Clingfilm, Crack, Kink Meme, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 14:16:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelonianmobile/pseuds/chelonianmobile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kinkmeme deanon; requester wanted a parody of the infamous "Roy Orbison in clingfilm" works of Ulrich Haarbürste: http://web.archive.org/web/20130129060837/http://michaelkelly.artofeurope.com/karl.htm</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nicolas Cage In Clingfilm

It begins innocently enough. I am on the roof, enjoying the pleasant afternoon, when I see a light in the sky. Close observation with my handy telescope proves it to be a meteor, which is heading directly for my house. This is a most alarming development.

"This is a most alarming development," I say to my harlequin-shaped Kernelsprite. It offers its hand for a high five.

Suddenly, my eye is caught by a man walking down the street. He wears a dirty wifebeater and his unshaven face is topped by a mullet.

"Hello," I call to him. "Pardon me, but you would not happen to be the popular movie star Nicolas Cage?"

"I am he," he replies.

"What are you doing in Washington?"

"Attending to certain matters."

"Ah. Please come in."

He enters my house, and I come downstairs to offer him a drink, which he politely declines. He gives the Kernelsprite a high five.

"I see we are in the path of a meteor. That would not happen to be the result of the game SBurb, would it?"

"Indeed it is," I say. "I fear you may not survive its impact. I do not know if non-players may pass into the Medium."

"Ah." He looks thoughtful. "Perhaps there is some way I could be shielded from the game's notice?"

I think for a moment. "Fundamentally, it is a computer program, therefore it works via electricity. If we disrupt the electric charge around you, perhaps you will pass unnoticed. Clingfilm operates by means of static electricity, so it is possible that many layers of the aforementioned substance will work as a protective shield."

"So," says Nicolas Cage. "Proceed to wrap me in clingfilm at once."

"With pleasure."

I take the roll of clingfilm and proceed with alacrity. I begin at the feet and work up, wrapping tightly and neatly. Soon he is wrapped up like the parcels I unwrapped mere hours before for my birthday. So that he is not bored, we make small talk about his movies, his voice slightly muffled after the first layer covers his head.

"You are completely wrapped in clingfilm," I say, when he is completely wrapped in clingfilm.

"Indeed."

The meteor will hit my house very soon. I proceed back up the stairs. Nicolas Cage hops up the stairs behind me, his legs bound firmly together by the clingfilm. I create and break the cruxite apple, the destruction of which provides our safe passage. There is a great flash of light, which reflects beautifully off the many shimmering layers of plastic encasing the great actor. How much greater the great movie Con Air would have been if Cameron Poe had been encased in clingfilm, so as to better reflect the fire from the burning wreckage of the plane.

Suddenly, it is dark, and my house is perched atop a pinnacle. We are in the Medium.

"We are in the Medium," I say. "It appears we have entered safely."

"So," he says. "Now unwrap me."

"I do not know if you are still at risk. Perhaps it would be safer to wait."

"For how long?"

"Possibly until the game is finished."

"Ah. I defer to your greater knowledge of this game. I shall remain wrapped."

I am overwhelmed with delight.


End file.
